Ex wants me to leave my husband

Dear Pastor,

I am having some problems and I need your advice. I am from rural Jamaica. I come for a very strict home, but I have very good and caring parents.

Since I was a child, I was taken to church, so I grew up in Sunday school and I learnt to memorise scripture verses. The minister of our church spent lots of time with the young people and we all loved him. When I was 18 years old, I had my first boyfriend. We met at a Christian camp. He also came from a Christian family. We went to the same college, and we are teachers. Our relationship broke up when he left the country to do postgrad work. He told me that he would come back and marry me, but that did not happen.

After he was away for almost two years, he told me that he had fallen in love with a girl from overseas and he could not resist her. He was invited to spend a weekend at her house and he spent a lot of time with this girl. She told him that she was sexually active and she would want him to sample her fruit.

After saying that to him a number of times, he yielded to her, and got her pregnant. I cried a lot over this guy because I really loved him. I told my parents what he said and my dad told me that I will find a man who is better than him.

I did not meet anybody who I could trust until three years ago. I met a man who is much older than me. He was the vice principal of a high school. We started a relationship. I was very afraid to have sex with him because looking at his pants front, I could see that he was very large. When he asked me for sex, I told myself I would try him. But he was smaller than my first boyfriend. We have a very good relationship. We are now married and we have two children.

My first boyfriend called me recently and told me that he made a big mistake by getting involved with this foreign girl. He wants to know if I am happy in my relationship or if I would consider getting a divorce and marrying him. I don't intend to divorce my husband. I told him to seek the help of counsellors, and if this girl is not abusing him, he should stay with her. I feel so good after talking to him. In my mind I felt like I was playing the role that you play - that is as Dear Pastor.

I would not even tell my husband that I am in touch with my past boyfriend. Sometimes I can see that because he is 10 years older than I am, he is very jealous whenever I talk about men.

S.

Dear S.,

I am glad to know that you are happily married. Your first boyfriend meant well when he told you that he would like to come back to Jamaica and marry you.

Many people go abroad and get involved sexually, emotionally and psychologically with others. Some go out casually and they didn't intend to have sex, but it happened, and they live to regret it. Your first boyfriend has had that experience. His foreign girlfriend was sexually active and she wanted him to have sex with her. Some men are much slower than women and when they are slow and reluctant to have sex with these women soon after they have met, the women make dispiriting remarks and sometimes put the men under pressure.

Your boyfriend should have known that he could impregnate any woman if they had unprotected sex. Don't listen to the nonsense he is talking about wanting you back. Stay with your husband and raise your family the best way you can. I wish you well.

Pastor