Boyfriend says no ring until baby

Dear Pastor,

I am 29 years old and I am living with a man who is also 29. His job takes him out of town very often, so sometimes I am alone.

My sister has two boys and one girl, so they spend lots of time with me. I am a teacher, so I assist them with their school work. They like staying with me because they say they get much more to eat. You know how boys are. They go home every Friday evening.

I don't like them staying because I am always looking forward to my boyfriend coming home on Fridays. He helps with everything around the house and he leaves again on Sunday evening, if he has to work in rural Jamaica for the coming week.

I have never been pregnant, but I would love to have a child. My boyfriend tells me that it is his belief that a woman should prove that she can have children before a man marries her. He said that, whenever I get pregnant, we will have a smashing wedding. I have been having sex with this man in every position that I have read about. He loves oral sex and, if that could have got a woman pregnant, I would be pregnant already.

Last Christmas, this man and I went to Florida for vacation. We had a great time together. We stayed at the home of my brother and his wife. I became jealous when I saw how they were living happily and I asked myself "What have I done why I cannot get pregnant?" I went to the doctor who said that nothing is wrong with me. I convinced my man to have himself checked out and he, too, was told that it is just a matter of time before I get pregnant. But nothing is happening.

A very close friend told me that I could take a chance with another man if a child is what I want. But I am not prepared to do so. This man and I have also paid down on a piece of land, but he said he is not going to spend any money on a building unless I become pregnant and we can build a house with a child in mind. Do you have any suggestion that you can make to give me peace of mind and to calm my stress and anxiety?

T.

Dear T.,

I have received numerous letters from women who have told me that they are childless and their men will not marry them unless they become pregnant first.

You might be surprised to hear that some of these men got that advice from their mothers. You did not mention that but I am just raising the matter. But, as a counsellor, I have also known many couples who have been married and had to wait many years before having children. What I am trying to say is, if doctors have assured you that nothing is physically wrong with you and your man, try to calm yourself and wait. Do not do anything foolish. Don't listen to the stupid advice from your friend who is trying to encourage you to go with another man.

I hope your fiance will eventually change his mind and marry you before you become pregnant.

Pastor